My Story: Finding courage
As I’m sitting here deciding what to write ‘about me’ – I’m wondering what you want to hear… Do you want to hear about my trauma and tears or would you prefer to hear about my triumph and celebrations? Through my own experience, it used to be near impossible to have one without the other!
These days, knowing my life purpose is what gives me courage, confidence and ultimately keeps me on track and drives me forward. But I haven’t always been this happy, excited, motivated and inspired. In fact, there was a very long time in my life when I was extremely low and felt totally out of control. I saw nothing but darkness. I was desperate scared and overwhelmed with hopelessness. It wasn’t a very proud period in my life – I was 14 years old and I had already attempted to die.
The early years were scary
The events leading up to that decision are all too common, unfortunately. My dad died suddenly when I was only 6 years old. I was molested at age 11 and when I finally confessed what had happened I heard them say it was me who was a flirtatious young girl! Misunderstood and already scared and disheartened about life, I looked for friendships in all the wrong places and at 14 found myself in the worst position of all. It was a lazy suburban Sunday afternoon when I entered their house and was sexually attacked by a group of 6 ‘friends’. When they finally opened the door and physically released me, I knew something inside me had shut down. I was numb, humiliated and filled with fear.
Having already felt those closest to me had abandoned me, I told myself that these tragic circumstances must somehow all be part of life and growing up. Putting on a brave face for school, I was looking forward to the comfort of seeing my girlfriends but, to my horror and disbelief, the instigator from the day before was showing photographs they’d taken of the incident. I was silenced in pure dread; panic pumped through my veins as my blood boiled to rage. I was furious, angry and unpredictable, so I slammed the door and ran. It was the only thing I could think of doing bar punching everyone in the face who was laughing at my terror. I plummeted into despair and powerlessness, becoming the queen of isolation.
If only…
Already having a tumultuous relationship with my mum, this made it all the more colossal because I felt I couldn’t trust her: she’d only blame me, and say that it was my fault and I couldn’t bare having that confirmed outside my own head. I kept saying – if only I hadn’t walked through that door; if only I had read the signs; not been so desperate; not been so innocent and naïve; if only I had fought harder; if only I had been smarter; if only I wasn’t so stupid; if only my dad was alive... Perhaps you can hear me screaming…
So this is how I lived for the next 15 years – I fought with myself, I battled with self-loathing and pushed back on everyone I perceived to be in authority who hid behind the rules to look after themselves and try to have power over others. I pushed the boundaries of my own existence, I lived larger than life and, when the tipping point came, which it inevitably did, I would withdraw for a time – empty and alone. For the longest time, I felt broken and weak, crippled by self-doubt, second-guessing my thinking and didn't believe I had a voice of influence.
My fire and passion was lit
What I always found fascinating was the duality my life seemed to have. And this eventually gave me profound compassion for the inner turmoil someone can experience even amongst external success... And how to nurture this space so you can emerge triumphantly much like the Pheonix rising.
Some would say I was the ideal elixir, had the perfect personality for what became my new identity – a TV and Events Producer. The entertainment industry had already worked her magic and seduced me. I had been a child model between the ages of 7-14, an assistant to a casting director in my school holidays and managed a modelling agency for a couple of years when I was 19. When I landed my first TV role as an assistant in 1993 it was my golden ticket. Do you know what it’s like to finally belong – that was what it was like for me.I loved everything about what I did – the pace, the energy, the people and the creativity. It was a meteoric rise to becoming the Producer of The Price Is Right in only 15 months – I attribute that success to my hard work, passion, courageous spirit and can do attitude.
It was so brilliant to produce something out of nothing – like anything was possible. When I was producing, nothing else mattered except for what I was focusing on. I didn’t have the time or headspace to remember my personal trauma and I felt so free. As my career continued to blossom I achieved tremendous success working on an array of spectacular shows, harnessing the talent of some of Australia’s favourite stars.
But even amongst all the success and grandeur I still felt something was unfulfilled, unanswered and unresolved like there was more I could do to contribute and make a difference. And I finally got to realize that not only was I hiding from my real purpose, I also craved a more peaceful way of being. I knew it was time to release the pain and find peace with my past and get to a place of forgiveness for myself and mentally release those involved in my most defining moments.
It was time to claim my spotlight
There had been a lot of darkness in my life, so when I came across Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) in my early 30s it quite literally helped save my life but more specifically it helped me claim my life. I learnt how to harness my determined spirit and passion for all things spectacular and use it to recreate strategies of success in all aspects of my life. The thing I still love the most is with all the formal training I’ve now completed it has given me the powerful tools to cultivate inner peace, clean up the unresolved inner gunk, and allowed me to discover my greatness, and finally say “yes “to living a brilliant and spectacular life, consistently.
Lifestyle changes take dedication, persistence and patience
It was hard in the beginning because I had a really tough time trusting myself and others – I didn’t want to be tricked and humiliated again. But something inside me nagged me to persist, primarily because this new way of thinking actually made me feel continually good. It enabled me to harness my own personal power, rather than giving it away. It taught me how and why I communicated the way I did. It taught me that I was in charge of how I felt and no matter what anyone else did or said, I was still in control of what I thought and how I acted and reacted. It also showed me how to be accountable for my actions and to stop blaming others for the way my life was. It taught me to step up and defy the odds and to do whatever it takes to actually become the person I used to only dream about. Best of all it made sense to me because it was logical, creative and experiential.
I am a steadfast believer in the tools and techniques I now teach because they absolutely work. They helped me eradicate my bad habits and turn my once destructive and sabotaging thought patterns and behaviour into new processes that serve, support, nurture and encourage me to be my best. For the first time ever I feel unconditional love for myself and I finally feel safe in my own skin. I consciously and joyfully make decisions that I know conspire for my own success AND for the success of those around me. It's win/win/win.
I have an infectious enthusiasm for fun and I'm a lover of all things spectacular. Surfing, cooking, yoga, travelling, entertaining, making inspirational TV and events all make me ooze with excitement. I'm colourful, unique, innovative, cheeky, intuitive, purposeful and passionate. Are you ready to be brilliant now?
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